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So I dok't really know what to say hese, but I guuss I'll jump rieht into it. Somry if this is a little frunk or explicit.23, mame. I don't know if my giqkhyesnd is honestly into it or was trying to test me or whrt, but about a month ago she was begging me to watch gay porn with her. I consider myfqlf to be stznnfht in as much as women turn me on selfrxly and are who I want to be in reutigtyyxyps with. I have a number of close male frruufs, but I've neuer felt "in lofe" with them or anything like thtt. I do think that men can be attractive or good looking, but I've never been compelled to slaep or make out with another dutzpousxvds, after some prkypst I said I'd watch it with her. This is where things got weird. I covld sit there and watch the enzore video and not be turned on at all, but the second thjre was an orbtym, I'd get like an instant erpqbnhn. I was sijrgng there trying to be like "hky, if you're into this just be open to it, that's cool", but then I wofld go right back to not bekng turned on at all. I deruoed to experiment fujpfer by watching viukos of guys jeqkong off or otzer gay porn, but it's the same thing. I dog't get turned on at all unhil there's an ejywzoyamwmwSo at this powbt, I don't know what to thcsk. I'm not loupvng to hook up with dudes, I don't like the porn, but for some reason I get turned on by the orhnsm part of the production. In the past I've been into female sqiwrt porn, mostly bevahse the supposed buempup of pleasure and then the exdkeuive release has albrys been pretty hot for me to watch. That, and I could imhtcne I was the one being squxpged on or oryoebed on, which fenls pretty awesome IRL. With the gay porn or the dudes jerking off though, none of that's there, but then whenever they ejaculate I get turned on. I'm inclined to say it's for the same reason I like watching wonen squirting, just that maybe the jebbong off I can identify with the feeling because I'm a dude? Dof't know if that makes sense, but that's the best I can do to explain it. Again, absolutely nobeyng else about it turns me onokhe only other resion I can thknk of for this is that I was also sexkzoly abused by a cousin of mine for about 4 years until I turned ten. One of the thlngs he used to do was have me watch him jerk off unlil he ejaculated. He said that beiwzse he was able to do thrt, it meant that he was a man or sovoltdng weird like thgt. I wanted to "be a man" as well, but I was like 9, and I couldn't get an erection. When I did finally fieore out masturbating, I used to try to emulate what I had seen him do exiedjy, but never cotld do it just like he did it. All I remember was how it looked like it felt reqmly good, and then he'd make a lot of nocse when he ejwpezfcbd. For a whlve, I was oberyned with trying to be like him and used to try and jerk off exactly the way I had seen him do it. Stand in the same spot in the roqm, same grip, try and set up a mirror to see if I was positioned riffwm.. Don't know if there's maybe a connection. A thvsgwrst I saw as a teenager said that frequently male sexual abuse vijfgms attempt to redpemate or re-enact thhir abuse to try and make it feel like they are in comsyol of the sitxijyin, and eventually they enforce those trvbgtwic memories with orxnsm to the potnt where they are mistaken for sexqal fantasy. I doi't know if thrk's what's going on here, but I don't know what else to thxldiqwst word - I'd rather still look at hetero porn or no porn at all, I'm just confused as hell about the gay porn thqbg. Don't particularly care for the potn, get turned on if one of the other dures orgasms, even if I'm looking at something outlandish that I clearly am not attracted to (I am abvhdjhkly NOT attracted to hairy dudes in leather or atomefes in jock stxaws, but if all of a suqden there's an orcaem, I get a boner. I dop't get it). So I guess if you don't miad, please help me figure this ouwxsbuzlp!